


Five steps

by taeku



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Break Up, Heartbreak, M/M, Memories, Recovery, Sad Ending, Verbal Fight, they loved each other but it wasn't good enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 12:08:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17549423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeku/pseuds/taeku
Summary: Maybe if time was different, maybe if they didn’t work together, maybe if they met in a different place, had different friends, different lives. There’s a lot of maybes Taeil tries not to think about too much, because it simply wakes the pain again.





	Five steps

**Author's Note:**

> So.  
> This is the first work i've finished in like, 3 months so be nice  
> It was inspired by a video i saw on youtube (the sad multifandom ones) so credit to that  
> I don't know why i always write sad stories for them, but it be like that i guess  
> Hope you like it

The first time they met, it was at Doyoung’s welcoming party. Taeil was late, as usual, but he went because that’s what was expected from the department director. And since it was him, the department director, he had to go, had to be there, had to personally welcome him into the agency.

In the taxi, he got a text from Johnny, saying _where are you_ and _you better bring your ass here before I beat it_. It made Taeil smile. Typical Johnny behaviour. Their relationship has always been like this. Ever since they started working together a few years ago, they would tease each other non-stop. It was pleasant to have someone like Johnny around him, Tail thought, especially when work could be hard to handle at times.

When, a few minutes later, he got out of the taxi, he felt his heart do a thing. A tiny little thing, yes, but a thing, still. A crimp, in his heart, a tiny difficulty to breath. Taeil never really liked partying, drinking and all of that. He’s a simple person, living a simple life. A boring life. But tonight will be fun, he told himself. Tonight will be fun and he’ll meet nice new people and he’ll enjoy himself.

When he entered the bar, the sudden warm of it splashed into him, contrasting with the cold of the outside world. Looking around, he spotted Johnny right away, laughing loudly, two empty classes already in front of him. Smiling to himself, Taeil started walking toward the table. Lisa and Hyuna where there too, laughing at Johnny, as well as Kun and Sicheng, who were silently drinking, small smiles on the corner of their lips.  

The only face he wasn’t familiar with was probably Doyoung. Taeil didn’t have time to meet him yet because of how busy he was, and he kind of felt bad for it. He should have been the first one to introduce him to the company, but doing so from Thailand would have been difficult. Once again, thank you Johnny.

When he finally looked closely at Doyoung’s face, Taeil’s breath stopped. It stopped and he couldn’t walk for a long second. Doyoung, Taeil thought, was the most beautiful person he ever met in his life. Doyoung, Taeil thought, would be the end of his sanity.  

Taeil knew right at that moment, seeing Doyoung’s big smile, eyes half shut, that if he spent more than a week in his company, he would fall in love. He would lose his mind and be incapable of working correctly, of looking at him in the face. So he acted like nothing. Acted like Doyoung wasn’t making his heart flutter everytime he would laugh or ask him a question or call a taxi for him because he was way too drunk at the end of the night.

Taeil knew right at that moment. Doyoung wold be the end of him.

 

\---

 

**[ Denial ]**

Taeil had a great day. He really did. Affairs were going pretty well and he even could go home early, which doesn’t happen often, if he’s being honest. But today, he went home early, happy, light. He went home early and was ready to rest for a couple of hours before going out with Doyoung to eat at their favorite restaurant.

What he finds at home when he enters the door isn’t what he expected. The house, usually filled with music and Doyoung voice above it, is strangely quiet. At first, he doesn’t pay attention to it. Doyoung is probably too tired and went to sleep or he might not even be home. Getting rid of his shoes, Taeil goes straight to the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water. He checks the mail on his way to the living room, and that’s were he finds Doyoung, sitting on the couch.

He’s looking down at the ground, hands squeezed together, shoulders rigid. Blinking, Taeil looks at him for a couple of second.

“Are you alright?” he asks, unsure of how to feel about Doyoung’s attitude.

There’s a weird tension in his chest, in the air, too. And when Doyoung looks up, locks his eyes to his, Taeil knows something’s wrong. Something’s wrong because the only times Doyoung had this kind of glance before, something went wrong somewhere.

“Can you sit? Please.” Doyoung says, his voice not sounding like it normally does.

Worried, Taeil nods before taking place right next to him on the couch. He tries not to notice, but Doyoung’s shoulders go even more rigid as soon as he sits down. Frowning, he gets back a little, allowing Doyoung more space.

“Did something happen?” Taeil asks after a couple of seconds in silence.

Doyoung takes a deep breath, not looking at him. His eyes are locked on the ground, like he refuses to look at Taeil’s face.

“No, nothing happened” he finally says.

He’s still not looking at him.

“I don’t…” he breathes.

Then.

“Taeil”

“Hm?” the latter responds, confusion all over his face.

“I don’t think we should be together anymore”

The room his warm. Sunny. Taeil had a great day. He really did. Affairs are going pretty well. The weather is getting colder as winter makes its way, but days are still beautiful. Yet, in a matter of seconds, all of it turns upside down. It turns upside down and Taeil can’t hear anything anymore and he can’t feel his hands.

“What?” is all he can say. _What_ is the only thing that gets out of his mouth.

“I don’t think we should be together anymore” Doyoung repeats himself, and this time, he looks up, directly into Taeil’s eyes. They stare at each other for what seems a very long time before Taeil stars repeatedly blinking. He doesn’t know what to say. What is he supposed to say? How is he supposed to react?

“Are you… are you breaking up with me?” he murmurs, feeling incapable of speaking louder because if he does, if he speaks louder, the bubble he’s in will break and things would be real, too real. He doesn’t think he can handle it for now.

“Yes” Doyoung says. He doesn’t hesitate.

“Why?”

Taeil feels stupid. Incredibly stupid. He doesn’t understand. Doesn’t want to understand. Because things were fine a few minutes ago. Because he laughed with Johnny after a very long and tiring meeting with their Chinese investors. Things can’t go wrong like that. Not so fast.

“Because I don’t love you anymore”

Taeil’s bubble breaks. It breaks in millions of pieces. Doyoung broke the bubble he tried so hard to preserved like it was nothing. Like it didn’t matter. Taeil feels numb. Doyoung’s words reach his ears, his brain, he understands them, let them make their way up his memories. And he’s lost. Incredibly lost.

“You-you don’t…” he shutters “You don’t love me- I don’t understand”

Frustrated, Doyoung gets up from the couch, starts walking around the living room. Why, Taeil wonders, is Doyoung frustrated when it’s him, Taeil, Moon Taeil, who should be? 

“We don’t fit together” Doyoung says, looking at him.

His eyes are cold but watery. There’re so many emotions in them. Pain, anger, determination. All of it mixed together. And Taeil stares at him. He stares at him and can feel his heart break but being filled with something deeper at the same time. He can’t believe what is happening at the moment. He can’t believe they’re having this discussion. Especially today.

“Yes we do” he laughs coldly “Yes we fucking fit together Doyoung, what the hell?”

He gets up too. He gets up, tries to walk towards Doyoung but the latter doesn’t let him do that. For each step Taeil takes, Doyoung backs away. So he stops himself, arms loose on his sides. He’s slightly shaking.

“We’re not good for each other Taeil” Doyoung continues, voice softer this time.

“Where does that come from?”

Taeil refuses to believe what Doyoung is saying. It doesn’t make any sense. Doyoung doesn’t make any sense right now.

“Don’t you get it?” he asks, passing his hands in his hair in a desperate motion “We’re-we’re explosive, Taeil. We fight all the time, we never agree on anything, we always go on different paths I-“ he breaths “I’m tired of fighting you”

 

\---

 

Taeil knows exactly when he fell in love with Doyoung. He knows exactly why and how and where it happened.

When you read about love, it’s brutal, explosive, burning, sudden. But for Taeil, the way he fell in love with Doyoung was different. It was slow, and sweet and calm. When he realised he was in love, he just smiled. Accepted it like you accept a fresh drink in summer. It was there, it’s always been there without him noticing it. Until that moment, until Doyoung did that one little thing that switched the balance.

It’s the way Doyoung walks. It’s the way he rolls his eyes when he’s annoyed. It’s the way he’s so caring, so genuine, so _selfless_. It’s the way he sneezes a bit too loud, the way his brows frown when he’s concentrate, it’s the way he laughs with his mouth wide open. It’s his bratty way he uses when he doesn’t like someone, it’s the way he can make him smile by just yawing.

In simpler words, it’s the way he is. All of him.

There’s also a lot of things Taeil hates about Doyoung. He hates how he can be bratty with someone he doesn’t like, he hates when he sneezes too loud and doesn’t even try to hide it, he hates how he can laugh sometimes, especially when it’s at him. He hates how in love he is and how Doyoung uses it to get his way, sometimes. He hates that he’s the one who’s the most in love in the relationship.

It never really bothered him. He didn’t care about being the one saying _I love you_ first, he didn’t care about being the one proposing they live together, he didn’t care about Doyoung simply smiling and following him. He didn’t care about any of it. Because he was in love, because he didn’t want to let go of that feeling.

 

\---

**[ Anger ]**

 

Taeil doesn’t let go of Doyoung’s eyes. He doesn’t look away, doesn’t even breathe because if he does so, he’s going to break. He’s going to break and scream, won’t listen to anything Doyoung would say. And Taeil really wants to listen, really wants to understand.

“What do you mean?” he says, voice neutral.

Doyoung looks at him with tearing eyes, desperation, begging him for something he doesn’t get. Taeil really wonders. What did Doyoung mean when he said _I’m tired of fighting you_. What was the purpose of it, what is the solution?

“We fight Taeil” Doyoung says, a single tear falling from his eyes “We fight all the time and I can’t take it anymore”

“We don’t fight that often” Taeil replies, mouth twisted.

“Yes we do Taeil, we do”

Doyoung really looks tired, Taeil will admit that. He will admit that Doyoung looks weak right now, but seeing him like this doesn’t calm him. It doesn’t have any effect on him right now because he is pissed, confused, hurt. Because he doesn’t understand how Doyoung could break their relationship like this, with simple words, and no solution to try and make things better.

“We fight every single week. Over the phone, over text, when we’re out for dinner, at our parents’ houses. We-we argue over anything. Mattresses, food, how to organise our room, how clean it must be everywhere. _Everything_.”

“That’s what couples do Doyoung. They argue” Taeil says, voice raising without him noticing it.

He’s getting tired of this. He wants answers he doesn’t get, he wants solutions that aren’t being offered. He wants so many things right now, but he doesn’t know how to ask them. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to respond to that other than by stating realities. Yes, couples fight. Yes, couples argue over small things. This is what happens when two people live together. They can’t always accord.

Incomprehension all over him, Taeil plays with his hair, waiting for Doyoung to say something, to do something, to _explain._ Because this is too sudden. Incomprehensible. Why now, why all of a sudden? And most importantly: why does he feel like Doyoung is putting the fault on him? Accusing him, making him the reason of all this mess?

“They don’t argue like we do” Doyoung says then “Do you even see what is happening? Do you even pay attention at what is going on in this relationship?”

“Of course I do! What do you think? That I don’t care?” Taeil screams again, eyes wide open, hurt spreading swiftly in his chest “Well I care! I fucking care and I try my best to make things work yet you’re telling him this was all for nothing?”

“I never said that!” Doyoung screams back, tears falling for real now “I just can’t do this anymore”

And on that, Doyoung walks away from him. He turns his back to him and leaves the room, mouth twisted and trembling shoulders. Taeil watches him do for a couple of seconds, but then, blinking, he follows him.

“You can’t just leave me! Not like that!” he says, grabbing at Doyoung’s arm and turning him over.

Face to face, they stare at each other. Taeil’s chest hurts so much, his eyes are burning, he feels dizzy, wants out, wants to go back in time and pretend like none of this happened. Doyoung’s expression hardens then, and he bites his lips. Hard. Freeing himself, he takes a few steps back, not breaking eye contact.

The laugh that gets out of his mouth is a laugh Taeil never heard before. It’s cold, empty, almost mean. And everyone knows Doyoung’s never mean to anyone without a reason. 

“How am I supposed to do it then?” Doyoung says.

The sound of his voice makes Taeil shiver.

“Tell me. How am I suppose to break up with you?” Doyoung asks again “By bringing you flowers, offering you dinner, making love to you? Making you hope and then break it all over? Wouldn’t that be more awful?”

For the next couple of moments, Taeil can’t speak. He can’t do anything other that staring at Doyoung, at his red eyes, his broken face.

“How am I supposed to do this?” Doyoung says, voice breaking on the last words “Tell me Taeil because I’m really clueless right now” he continues, getting closer “How to you want to be left?”

Letting his tears fall, Taeil keeps his eyes on Doyoung’s chest, unable to look at his face. He feels like falling on the ground and digging a hole to hide in. He feels like he’s going to explode and lose his mind.

“I don’t know” he whispers. “All I know is that you don’t turn your back to the person you love just because things are difficult”

 

\---

 

It took some time before Taeil got the courage to ask Doyoung out. First, because they worked together and it was against the rules. Second, because Taeil didn’t think Doyoung would ever think of him more than just as a friend. Third, because Taeil always shuttered when they would have a small talk. And who falls over shutters.

The first time they went on a date, it was boring. The kind of date that isn’t officially a date but is still a date. Then, they went out again, and again, and at some point, Doyoung followed Taeil home. They had sex, not good sex, too awkward, too shy, too fast. They still gave this, whatever it was, a chance, and Taeil have been so thankful for it ever since.

Their relationship wasn’t anything special. They would fall into a routine quite fast and never really changing it, both not adventurous enough to try and spice things up a bit. But they were ok with that, ok just being the two of them. They talked about adopting a dog once, hoping it would bring more dynamic into their home, but they quickly let that idea go, both admitting they where too busy to be able to take care of another life.

So yes, they had a boring relationship, slow and uneventful, but they were comfortable, happy, and that was all that mattered.

 

\---

**[ Bargaining ]**

 

Silence falls on them for a moment, none of them strong enough to talk again for now. This gives Taeil time to think a little, time to rewind everything that just happened, everything they just said. And suddenly, Taeil is afraid. Afraid he is going to lose Doyoung for good this time. Because yes, he admits, they fight a lot, but he never thought this would be the reason they would break apart. He always thought that them arguing was such a burden on Doyoung’s shoulders. If he had known... if he had known about Doyoung’s feelings, he would have made efforts, he would have tried harder and make him happy again.

“I’m not leaving you because things are difficult” Doyoung finally says, voice steady this time “They never were”

Taeil can’t deny that either. And it scares him. He feels tired suddenly, all his anger gone, leaving him dizzy, lightheaded. He doesn’t like that feeling. Heart racing, he looks up at Doyoung, tears forming again at the corner of his eyes. Taking a step closer, grabbing Doyoung’s wrist, he tries to smile, tries to have his voice net and clear when he speaks again.

“Is it because we talked about marriage? Because we don’t actually have to get married you know, we don’t actually need to think about it right now. I can wait”

The last words get lost in trembling whispers, but he keeps going, ignores it when Doyoung calls his name, blinks trying to get rid of unwanted tears. He smiles, but it’s more of a grimace, really. 

“Tell me, tell me and I’ll change” he continues “I’ll change anything. My hair, my clothes, my cooking, my face, even, if that’s what it takes. I’ll go to the gym, I’ll work harder at the office, I’ll bring you flowers more often I-“

He sounds insane, he knows he does, but he couldn’t care less. If sounding insane is what saves his relationship, then he’s willing to do it. He’s willing to do anything if that means Doyoung doesn’t leave in the end. Because Taeil needs Doyoung. He needs him like he needs air, like he needs water, like trees need earth.

Doyoung is like an anchor. He’s strong, and peaceful, relatable. Taeil knows he can trust him and talk to him and he’s never been more open about himself than with Doyoung. He knows everything about him, knows all the secrets and regretful things Taeil has done in his life because Taeil knew he could trust him, could count on him, rely on him. But it’s all falling to an end and Taeil doesn’t want it, doesn’t want his anchor to sink and let him alone to drown.

“We can make things work” he breathes “I know we can”

Doyoung shakes his head no but Taeil pretends he didn’t see it. He refuses to see it, to acknowledge that no matter what he will say, Doyoung already gave up on them. That easily.

“Maybe you’re just lots and scared, and I get it, I really do” he tells, pain in his voice “I’m scared too, but we don’t need to be”

This time, Doyoung sighs loudly, almost laughs, takes a step back.

 “I’m not scared Taeil. I’m unhappy”

The word is what breaks Taeil for good _. Unhappy._ Doyoung is unhappy. Is unhappy and he says it like it’s nothing, like it’s no big deal. Taeil sobs now. Real ugly sobs. And he doesn’t care anymore. He really doesn’t.

“I’m just unhappy. With you and this house, my work, my entire life”

Doyoung keeps talking, and talking, and talking, as if he wanted Taeil to fall on in knees and beg for forgiveness. Taeil would, he would fall on his knees and beg all night, all day, if he knew it would change anything. It wont though. Doyoung takes his decision in matters of seconds and never goes back, never changes his mind. He decided to leave, and he will. So even if it breaks Taeil into million of pieces, makes his chest hurt so much he can’t breathe, he’s letting go. At least for tonight.

“I’m unhappy” Doyoung says one last time “And I need to change that”

Taeil understands, in a sense. The need to make things better for yourself and let some behind. Only he never thought he would be left behind. The need to be a new person, he gets it. What Doyoung is doing right now, what he’s saying, Taeil gets that. Because he did it to people before. And now wheels have turn. Now he’s the one left behind with tears as only company. 

“Didn’t I make you happy?” he asks, more for himself than anything “All the time we spend together, all those moments we shared… didn’t make you happy?”

Doyoung starts crying again, unable to look at Taeil. He shakes his head, yes this time. Taeil smiles weakly in between his sobs, but it doesn’t make him feel better. In the contrary. It makes him feel worse.

“You did make me happy, Taeil, so very happy. But…” Doyoung breathes “But you’re not what I need anymore”

 _Not what I need anymore_. Laughing through his cries, Taeil grips his hair, head down, vision blurry, feeling nauseous. This, he thinks, hurts much, much more than anything else. He could bare _I don’t love you anymore,_ he could, but this. This, really means the end. Of everything. So he says the only thing that comes in his mind, the only thing that matters to him, the only thing he _needs_ to say before all of this ends and he sleeps through the pain and wake up feeling like it was all a bad, bad dream.

“I love you Doyoung”

He says it with desperation, absolute pain, resignation floating in the air. And Doyoung takes him in his arms. He hugs him, squeezes him hard against his chest, body shaking, head falling in the crack on his neck. Taeil can feel Doyoung’s tears, Doyoung’s shakes, Doyoung’s pain and it’s too much, too much, too overwhelming and destructive. There’s nothing else he can do than hug Doyoung back and grips the back of his shirt almost to rip it, almost like he’s the boat that will save him from drowning when he’s the reason he’s dying in the first place.

They stay like this far what seems like a long time, not moving, not speaking, feeling each other one last time.  

“How am I supposed to leave you when you make it so difficult to leave?” Doyoung whispers then, takes one step back. Taeil doesn’t look at him, has his yes closed, his hands into fists. He closes his eyes and prays. Whispers _please_ and _stay, don’t leave me, please, I’m sorry, don’t leave me, please, please, please._ The more he speaks, the more he can feel the emptiness Doyoung is leaving behind him as he walks toward the front door.

“I am terribly sorry Taeil” Doyoung cries too “but I can’t do this anymore”

 _Please_.

 

\---

**[ Depression ]**

When he wakes up the next day, eyes heavy, head burning, ears wheezing, he doesn’t remember much. Everything is blurry and distant, like a dream you know you had but can’t really remember. So he stands up and makes his way into the kitchen, mouth dry, tongue pasty.

It’s when he sees the living room that it hits him again. The emptiness. Looking at the furniture, Taeil notes that things are missing. Books and guitar and pictures. Doyoung took the time to pack his things before he left. Taeil didn’t even notice. Didn’t even pay attention.

For how long, he wonders. For how long did Doyoung plane this? For how long did he start packing? For how long did Taeil play ignorant at things disappearing? He hates himself, right now. He hates himself and he hates Doyoung and he hates this too big of an apartment now that he is alone in it.

He takes a break from work for a week, gathering things around, thinking, crying, remembering, mourning things he’s lost too fast. He calls Doyoung, texts him, leaves him messages, all stayed without respond. Like he simply vanished. Like he didn’t exist in the first place.

The first time he comes back to work, Taeil finds Johnny in his office. When he sees him enter the room, Johnny gets up and goes straight to him, taking him in his arms, sharing the warm of his body. Johnny had texted him non-stop while he was away, making sure he was alright, telling him to eat. He wanted to come by and stay with him for a bit but Taeil never let him do so. Told him he was fine, could do this on his own. And he did. He buried his pain, ignored it, and got back to work.

“Doyoung” Johnny starts after a while, taking a few steps back, not letting go of Taeil’s wrist, though “Doyoung quit. I wasn’t sure you knew about it so I wanted to be there when you find out”

Taeil isn’t really surprised. He expected it. Knew it was coming. But hearing it still hurts. He pretends like it doesn’t affect him and starts working again. He works hard and more hours than needed, but he has to, otherwise the pain he’s hiding inside will break and make him scramble back into darkness.

One night, it’s just too much. Too much of emptiness, silence, dead memories. He calls Johnny crying, saying _please help me, I feel like going insane_. When Johnny finds him, he’s lying on the floor of his living room, curls into himself. His chest is burning, the world is burning. Johnny takes him in his harms, whispers things in his ears he doesn’t understand, but it doesn’t matter. 

They stay on the ground for the rest of the night, curled in each other. Taeil can’t feel his legs, his entire body, but he doesn’t mind. He would rather feel nothing than too much pain.

“I loved him so much” he finally says, when the sun slowly rises, giving them mild light, timid warm. It feels out of the world. Taeil likes it.

“I know baby” Johnny says back “I know”

 

\---

**[ Acceptance ]**

Sometimes, words hurt. Sometimes, people hurt. And sometimes, people hurt you with words. People you cared about, people you trusted, people you loved and admired and gave everything to.

Taeil didn’t think, ever, that Doyoung would hurt him. Taeil didn’t think, ever, that Doyoung would leave him. Not like this. Yet, he did. He did it with his words. The same words he used to make him feel special, he used them against him, thrown them at his face and left him deal with them on his own. 

_I don’t love you anymore._

That’s what he said to him _. I don’t love you anymore_ is what ended three years of relationship. Just like that. In seconds. Taeil still wonders why Doyoung took so long to break things up. He wonders why he had let them be intimate for so long if he knew he wasn’t happy, satisfied. He wonders if Doyoung ever really loved him back, but he knows. Doyoung did love him, did want to be with him. He just wasn’t the right person at the time.

Maybe if time was different, maybe if they didn’t work together, maybe if they met in a different place, had different friends, different lives. There’s a lot of maybes Taeil tries not to think about too much, because it simply wakes the pain again.

One day, Taeil’s mother told him that there’re five stages of grief. Five stages everyone goes through when they’re hurt. Five stages no one can escape from. It varies for each living person, but none of us is speared. Ever.

Taeil didn’t really understand that grief comes in very different ways. He didn’t think you could feel this kind of thing for a living person. He didn’t think he would ever have to deal with the kind of pain grief brings.

He was too naïve, probably. Too romantic. Too helplessly in love that he didn’t see the signs. Or maybe he didn’t want to see it. Maybe he told himself that if he pretended like they weren’t there, they would go away one day, somehow. He figured that it would be the best thing to do, ignorance. It was better than being afraid all the time and talk about things that hurt and make him face reality.

Perhaps that’s what got Doyoung. Perhaps that’s what made him give up on him. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

But Taeil will never know.

Things aren’t easy. But they work out. They work out and you’re getting better by days. It takes time, courage, will, but you get there. You get there and you stop feeling responsible for things you can’t control, start forgetting yourself for the mistakes you made. You grow from the pain, learn from it, accept it as a part of yourself.

And, most importantly: you never forget the ones you once loved.

**Author's Note:**

> hit me up : @__babybird_


End file.
